Milk Isn't Alcohol
by Iamsecretlynot
Summary: Sam and Bucky engage in an intense rivalry for Natasha's attention. Steve referees it with caution.


"Truth."

"Is it true that Samuel Owen Stammer is your legal name?"

Sam grimaced amid Steve's hoots of laughter. "What the heck James."

"Oh right, it's _Sammy."_ Bucky dodged the pillow. "Careful, you nearly hit my drink."

"Would have served you right." Sam flung his arm over the sofa and stretched out his legs. "You wasted a question."

He raised his glass. "Worth it." Bucky clinked it against Steve's and gulped it down. He set the glass down and sighed. "You're up Steve."

Steve snatched a couple of cookies from the table and took a sip of milk. "Gosh Buck, I'm terrible at this." He leaned back into the cushions.

The duo had crashed Sam's place just hours before. Sam had just put on the new Bourne movie when Steve turned up at his door with cookies and milk and a bedraggled Bucky in tow. Sam wasn't the type to turn away free food on a Friday night. Two movies later, they'd fallen into a PG version of a Truth or Dare. If someone did the dare the other drank. If they didn't do the dare, they drank.

Bucky dubbed it the PG version after noting that Sam did not possess any alcohol. Which Sam considered a blessing in disguise. He didn't need his drunk self-spilling secrets to an ex-assassin who barely tolerated him.

"I'll make it easy for you and go truth," Bucky smirked and Steve groaned.

"Dang it Buck, I've known you for years." He ran his hands through his hair. "Ah, here's one." Bucky stretched out, mirroring Steve's pose. "Hit me." He said confidently.

"What's your thing with Nat?"

Bucky stiffened. "There is no thing. Drink."

Sam sat up in disbelief. "Is that a blush I see?"

"You're drunk Sam."

A smile tugged on Sam's mouth. The soldier's face was beet red, an emotion he hadn't realized the man possessed. "You wouldn't mind me asking her out then? 'Cause that lady is fiiiiiiiiineee…."

A pillow to the face interrupted his sentence. He laughed and sipped his drink. Steve slapped his leg triumphantly. "I knew! You do have a thing for her!"

Sam raised his glass. "Just drink boy, we're all friends here."

"Shut up Sam."

Steve held up his hands. "Okay, I'll drop it. No worries" He swigged the milk.

The trio mulled over their drinks in silence. Then, "Just saying, I could get her to go out with me."

"Try it and you're dead." Bucky snapped.

Sam rested on his elbows. "Ooooh, is that a bet?"

"Are you trying to get murdered over a girl who murders people for a living?" Steve shook his head. "If you're that desperate, we could go out to a bar or something."

…...

"SAM!" Bucky slammed his hand down on the table.

Sam sipped his coffee. "Hello to you too buddy."

"I told you she's mine."

"Ah, so you do have a thing for her." A few heads turned, studying the pair as if trying to place them. "You're drawing attention."

Bucky yanked out a chair and sat down. He leaned over and lowered his voice to a menacing whisper. "Look, I told you not to ask her out."

"Who, Sarah?"

Bucky glanced around. Most of the customers had gone back to their business, although Sam noticed multiple Agents from past missions. Nothing out of the ordinary. They were regulars at this cafe like Sam. His voice dropped even lower. "No, Nat."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Bucky gave him the _look._ "Really? You forgot Friday night."

Sam pretended to think about it. "Hmm. Did I drink a lot?"

" _Sam_."

Sam returned his attention to his phone. "What do you think I did?"

"Nat just received a dozen red roses from a secret admirer."

"Good for her."

"Sam, I know you sent them."

"No, you don't."

"The note left with it said, "I'd love to be caught in your web." With a smiley face. Who else do I know that likes cheesy pickup lines?"

"You've got the wrong guy."

"Fine." Bucky stood up. "But don't say I didn't warn you, Wilson." He stalked out of the cafe.

….

"On your left." Steve jogged past Sam.

"Don't you get tired of that joke?" Sam gasped.

Steve smirked. "Nah." He stopped beside a tree and waited for Sam to catch up. Steve dug his phone out of his pocket and glanced at it. "Look at what Nat just sent me."

Sam wiped his forehead. "What?" He jogged the remaining feet and peered over his shoulder. "Get out."

The picture showed Nat knee deep in red roses. The text accompanying the picture read, "A delivery van just unloaded a hundred of these babies with a note saying something about how they match my hair. I'm officially getting a hair change."

Steve frowned. "Sam, you already got her something. There's no need to be creepy."

"Dude, I don't have money for that." Sam frowned. "You don't think….."

A message popped up on the screen from Bucky. Steve read it aloud. "Tell Wilson this is war."

Sam cracked his knuckles. "Oh, it's on."

…One month later...

Natasha stalked into the weight room and towards where Steve was working out. He finished wrapping his hand and prepared to hit the bag again. "Hey, Nat. What brings you here?"

She leaned against the wall. "Wanna go to the movies with me, Fossil?"

He chuckled. "What about your secret admirers?"

She groaned and ran her hands through her hair. "Honestly, I'm not sure if I should be flattered or concerned. The roses were nice, although a bit cliche." She hesitated. "Have they been keeping you in the loop?"

He punched the bag. "Who?"

"Bucky and Sam."

"And why should they-"

"Drop the charade Cap, we both know that I know."

He smirked. "No, they have not. Do go on."

"Sam sent me a box of assorted chocolates, and Bucky retaliated with a big bag of my favorite candies. Then I received a bottle of Vodka to drink away the memory of the last gift. If I go on a mission with them, they fight over who gets to be my second and spam my earpiece with compliments when I'm trying to seduce someone. It's annoying."

"And how will me going to the movies with you end this?" Steve raised his eyebrows. "Sounds like I'd get sucked into this war."

"They'll defer to you. If they think that you like me-" She trailed off.

"They might leave you alone." He finished.

"Exactly."

He finished off the bag with a roundhouse kick. "Sounds like a date."

….

Sam and Bucky sat three rows behind them when they went on their date.

"They look good together," Sam whispered.

Bucky hrumped. "Steve told me that it's just a friend thing."

"Nat didn't dress like it was a friend thing." Sam crammed a handful of popcorn into his mouth. Bucky studied their friends. She did do her hair differently. It looked more bouncy than usual. And was it his imagination, or did she sit a bit too close to Steve?

"Wanna set them up?" Bucky took the popcorn bucket away from him.

"They're already on a date technically." Sam pointed out.

"No, like instead of hitting on her for us, we hit on her for Steve. They won't know what's hit them."

He raised an eyebrow. "I need an example."

"Like this," Bucky said, lifting his bucket up.

Bucky flung his popcorn at Steve, hitting him square on. The two twisted around, shock on their faces. "Just kiss already!" He hollered.

Sam settled back in his seat. He liked this plan already.

* * *

I forgot how much fun it was to write Sam and Bucky. Those four are my favorites.

Have a lovely day! :)


End file.
